Monday 15 July 2013
Knowing where I'm going
I'm wondering whether this should be on my Camino Blog or should I start a separate blog altogether, but seeing as you are all following this one, I'll keep it on here for now.
Speaking of 'you all' Who are you? I don't know who you are all really, I just keep getting threats from my father that he keeps getting requests for more blogs from me, he is very clandestine and won't tell me who is sending in the requests. Foil his mysterious plan and tell me who you are in the comments, either on facebook or below. I'm so curious as to who'd be listening to my babblings.
Right, Where was I?
Oh Yes.
I know where I'm going now.
For the last month and a half, since leaving the Camino, I have had no real long term plan. I have been Unable to plan past starting my job on the 22nd of July. That's where my plan just ended, like a cut string. I had been waiting for paperwork to get through, for the HR department to get going and for the department to get the rota together for the next few months of my life.
I have been in a highly organised system of education for the past twenty two years, even if I had a summer of nothing to do, I always had school starting in September to hang up the responsibility of planning. I always filled empty time with other things though like working, TEFL courses and the most important of all travelling. Time has always been precious to me, or at least since I was old enough to appreciate what little time we all have on our hands, and planning what time I have is so important to me, being unable to plan is hell.
Now the last few weeks have been torture, I have had so many friends ask me when I can travel to see them, when I can have free time to meet up and I haven't been able to give them a concrete answer. Now that I have moved away, I know that it is really important to make time to see the people I love. But I couldn't, until now, make plans. I just got a glorious email from my new boss letting me know my new rota for the next 8 weeks!!!!! I can plan for 8 WEEKS!
It is so lovely! I can go home for a weekend, I can go to Edinburgh for a weekend to see people, I can meet people in London who are coming down, I can go out to Penzance to go surfing for a weekend. I can live like a human being! one who is getting paid and can plan her life!
Gosh Its almost like gaining my freedom, which is odd because I'm going to have to work so hard for it, but in a way there is a freedom in that too. I know I'm just starting here, but I'm going in the right direction. I'm going to feel silly and stupid and nervous for the first few weeks, but then, I'll get over it, I'll know stuff, and then the students will come back, hopefully first years and it will all be easy, because everyone is better than first years.
Dan mentioned something the other day, he told me that people starting at my level are automatically, financially more well off than 75% of the population in the UK. It certainly doesn't feel like it. It feels like I'm starting right at the bottom again, knowing this though it does make me so grateful for where I am now.
Is this what it feels like to have a life?
I'll let you know in a few months.
In the mean time I'm going to be setting up a new blog I think, or going back to one I abandoned. I have a few short stories I need to write to get out of my head. Would anybody be interested in reading them?
All my love my people.
xx
Grace
Tuesday 2 July 2013
Home
I know it's been a while and I know the Camino is over, at least the physical bit where I have fancy pictures to show and funny stories to tell is over, but the mental bit is ongoing, forever and ever.
The Camino is only ever truly over when you go home, they say. I would like to disagree a little there. When you go home, you bring all the thoughts of the Camino with you, unless you go home and immediately forget everything. I don't think that ever happens really. You bring it into your old life, try to stuff those extra corners into old round holes. It doesn't work. You need to start cutting away at that small little life you had carved, comfortable and rounded, no sharp edges, to make room for all the new things inside you. Maybe this is too hard for some so they just slide back into the old ways. Maybe that means throwing away some crap in your life to help the new stuff fit. For me it was my fifteen thousand body lotions and skin products that I never use, and my very last pair of heels, they are gone, dead, forever. My feet are precious and I will never put them through the torture of heels ever again. I shall never buy another pair in my life. There are also certain people that have been removed from my life, through distance and silence. It's another lesson, like the Camino, they might come back when you least expect them to, but right now they have left or I have left them behind, they are walking slower or faster than me. This is the way of life, the way of things, though it makes me sad.
My situation is a little different to others in that I'm not really moving back into an old comfortable life. I'm starting a brand new one. I'm lucky in that it is probably easier for me to make space for new things, because they might not fit in the car I'm renting to drive down, there is a lot of fresh slate happening in my life right now. I have to make sure I get it right, or at least as right as I can. I want to make sure I remember what I value now, what I can do for others and what I can only do for myself.
I do this a lot, starting over, and I'm quite lucky because I actually really enjoy it. I like seeing the potential in a new clean room, meeting new people, finding little secret places around my new neighborhood, the nearest shops, the nearest bus routes, the confidence in my own ability to always find my way. Most of all, and what I am most excited about is setting up my studio for the first time in two years. I can't wait! All the plans I have had for the past few years churling around my head are going to just roll out onto the page. I have found a Printmakers workshop around here too, Double Elephant Print Workshop, while I don't have the money yet to join, I would like to start working towards doing a series of prints based on both the Camino, and a number of other projects. Maybe this will be a way I will fit the Camino into my brand spanky new life.
There are another few things that I want to keep with me, the exercise, the open state of mind, dealing with life's little ups and downs with the same smiles and care as I did on the Camino.
There are a few things I need stop doing that I did on the Camino though. A major one is my diet. I need to cut back on the cheese and sweets, and start eating more vegetables. Damn you Spain and your terrible peregrino food. I also REALLY need to cut down on spending till I get my first paycheck. Once I get settled and fill my kitchen full of food I'm going to start seriously working on this girl's recipes. She lives on £10 a week and makes some glorious food out of the basic food that she buys.
Simplicity.
That's what I need.
But I know I'm not going to get that.
I'm going to get a very busy couple of months, back and forth to London, Edinburgh, travelling all over Europe hopefully, if I can afford it, as well as starting my new job, and all the headaches that that brings.
Life is never really simple is it? There are always more headaches, but I'll face it like I always do. There's only ever one direction to keep going, sometimes there aren't any arrows to show us but after I make a decision I stick with it. I take pride in the fact that I can make good with whatever life throws at me.
I'll keep going, try to see the simple things in all the complicated part of life.
What do you think?
The Camino is only ever truly over when you go home, they say. I would like to disagree a little there. When you go home, you bring all the thoughts of the Camino with you, unless you go home and immediately forget everything. I don't think that ever happens really. You bring it into your old life, try to stuff those extra corners into old round holes. It doesn't work. You need to start cutting away at that small little life you had carved, comfortable and rounded, no sharp edges, to make room for all the new things inside you. Maybe this is too hard for some so they just slide back into the old ways. Maybe that means throwing away some crap in your life to help the new stuff fit. For me it was my fifteen thousand body lotions and skin products that I never use, and my very last pair of heels, they are gone, dead, forever. My feet are precious and I will never put them through the torture of heels ever again. I shall never buy another pair in my life. There are also certain people that have been removed from my life, through distance and silence. It's another lesson, like the Camino, they might come back when you least expect them to, but right now they have left or I have left them behind, they are walking slower or faster than me. This is the way of life, the way of things, though it makes me sad.
My situation is a little different to others in that I'm not really moving back into an old comfortable life. I'm starting a brand new one. I'm lucky in that it is probably easier for me to make space for new things, because they might not fit in the car I'm renting to drive down, there is a lot of fresh slate happening in my life right now. I have to make sure I get it right, or at least as right as I can. I want to make sure I remember what I value now, what I can do for others and what I can only do for myself.
I do this a lot, starting over, and I'm quite lucky because I actually really enjoy it. I like seeing the potential in a new clean room, meeting new people, finding little secret places around my new neighborhood, the nearest shops, the nearest bus routes, the confidence in my own ability to always find my way. Most of all, and what I am most excited about is setting up my studio for the first time in two years. I can't wait! All the plans I have had for the past few years churling around my head are going to just roll out onto the page. I have found a Printmakers workshop around here too, Double Elephant Print Workshop, while I don't have the money yet to join, I would like to start working towards doing a series of prints based on both the Camino, and a number of other projects. Maybe this will be a way I will fit the Camino into my brand spanky new life.
There are another few things that I want to keep with me, the exercise, the open state of mind, dealing with life's little ups and downs with the same smiles and care as I did on the Camino.
There are a few things I need stop doing that I did on the Camino though. A major one is my diet. I need to cut back on the cheese and sweets, and start eating more vegetables. Damn you Spain and your terrible peregrino food. I also REALLY need to cut down on spending till I get my first paycheck. Once I get settled and fill my kitchen full of food I'm going to start seriously working on this girl's recipes. She lives on £10 a week and makes some glorious food out of the basic food that she buys.
Simplicity.
That's what I need.
But I know I'm not going to get that.
I'm going to get a very busy couple of months, back and forth to London, Edinburgh, travelling all over Europe hopefully, if I can afford it, as well as starting my new job, and all the headaches that that brings.
Life is never really simple is it? There are always more headaches, but I'll face it like I always do. There's only ever one direction to keep going, sometimes there aren't any arrows to show us but after I make a decision I stick with it. I take pride in the fact that I can make good with whatever life throws at me.
I'll keep going, try to see the simple things in all the complicated part of life.
What do you think?
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